Expectant Doubt

I’d started this journey because I wanted to not be a lawyer anymore. I had to believe there was something buried in a LinkedIn job description that would set me on the road to “not working a day in my life.” Yet every time I thought I found something worth exploring, I almost immediately felt a pit in my stomach at the idea of actually doing the work… including being an event planner.

 

Now I’m nearly six months in, and I knew a whole lot of what I didn’t want to do. In fact, I had an entire notebook filled with potential occupations—the physical manifestation of possibilities immediately becoming God, no.

 

Sighing, I leaned back on the couch, panic and hopelessness buzzing through my head in equal measure. This was why I’d been a lawyer for twenty years despite never feeling particularly invested in it.

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What else would I do?

 

It’s not that I hadn’t thought about it before. The question was always there, like a whack-a-mole, popping up quickly and leaving just as fast before I could even think about lowering the mallet.

 

“What if there isn’t anything?” I asked her.

 

Fortunately for me, my career coach was more of a career therapist, so she wouldn’t let me get away with that.

 

“Let’s look at this in a different way. What are the things you enjoy doing?” 

 

The question felt lighter. Still heavy because I understood the meaning behind it. I mean, I could see the mole half out of its hole, ready to spring into action—staring at me with a knowing smirk.

 

No. I’m too deep into this to not at least take a preemptive swing.